Bloody Nights and Painful Dreams
by Moyashi.beansprout
Summary: Yullen, angst, IU, OOCness, etc. Summary sucks crap. ALLEN'S CUTTING HIMSELF o.o" Oneshot songfic for Iris


**Bloody Nights and Painful Dreams**  
**D. Gray-Man Songfic: Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls.  
Warning: Yaoi, swearing, oocness, angst, lack of humor. (inorite? For me, this is a fucking record!)  
Summary: Allen saved the souls of Akuma. But who will save Allen... from himself?  
Coupling: Yullen (KanAre)  
Disclaimer: I couldn't own D. Gray-Man less if I tried, y'guys. Seriously, if I was the amazing Katsura-Sama, though, Allen would have smex with Kanda in every chapter and Lavi and Tyki would become an item and Cross would lose a dare, and have to be abstinent for a month, and die from the effort- Okay, I'm rambling.**

Gaarin: This is, quite possibly, the darkest fic I've ever written.  
Mizuhara: GOOD. I like angsty stuff!  
Gaarin: ... Actually, it kind of scared me that I was able to write this. It's totally because this song is so amazing. It's such a powerful motivator! Seriously, listen to this song. Sooo good ;o;  
Mizuhara: Wow, you're being OOC. C'mon, no jokes or random comments or anything?  
Gaarin: Random... random... *searches memories Bookman-style* Oh! "Welcome to my happy place, now get your shit and leave!"  
Mizuhara: Thank you! xD

Grass tickled the soles of Yuu Kanda's feet as he trekked through a field. _Where the fuck was that baka moyashi?_  
It was a misty August evening. A bit of light summer rain had fallen earlier, and the air was wet. The sun had sank beneath the dark horizon, but the moon and stars were hidden behind an overcast sky, leaving a sort of hazy surrounding light. It was strangely silent, and blissful. And freezing cold, of course, but Kanda wouldn't complain. He just wondered where his partner was.  
They'd gone on a mission, and it'd gone well. They'd found the Innocence, retrieved it, and killed three Level Twos. After the battle, nobody had sustained major wounds, so Allen had suggested camping out in a forest. Kanda had set up the tents by a stream, and Allen had said he was going for a walk. He'd been 'walk'ing for three hours now.  
Kanda glared at nothing in particular. Leave it to Beansprout to get lost in the middle of nowhere, and leave Timcanpi behind. He was probably starving, whining somewhere, lonely, lost, and crying. Kanda's face hardened at the idea.  
A long time ago, Kanda had admitted to himself that Allen was cute. But he was always so fucking... cheerful. There was always a smile on Allen's face, except when he was talking to Kanda. Kanda wished he could make the boy feel another emotion... like pain.  
But it was wrong to want to make Allen feel pain. Perhaps he really wanted Allen to feel some of his pain... To know his personal dilemmas, issues, and problems. Like the lotus, that he considered a problem. And his job in general was becoming more and more of a nuisance. Why should he go and retrieve Innocences anyway? Why couldn't he just be an assassin or something cool?  
Kanda stopped his mental tirades, and looked around. There was a stump, and a figure sitting with their knees to their chest. He recognized the hair, glistening in the night air. He recognized the black Exorcist jacket, a giveaway sign to the person's identity.  
He didn't recognize the blood seeping from the person's wrists, or the tears seeping from their eyes.  
He ran up to the small huddle. "Moyashi?"  
Allen looked up at him. "BaKanda! Go back to the tents!"  
Kanda knelt down beside him. "Fuck! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"  
Allen had a small switch blade out, and was scratching at his wrists. There were already several small cuts, and quite a few had begun to bleed severely.  
Allen looked away. "Nothing, go away."  
Kanda placed a hand on Allen's shoulder and shook him violently. "BAKA! What in the name of God are you doing?"  
Allen shuddered. "Kanda... just please..."  
Kanda grabbed his arms, and pulled them away from each other. The switch blade flew out of the teen's loose grip, glinting as it vanished into the tall grasses.  
Kanda stared him down, and continued to grasp his hands apart, as though Allen would continue cutting himself.  
"Moyashi, what has been going on?"

Allen threw his arms around Kanda. Kanda took in the teen's scent; it smelled like tears, sweat, blood, sugar, and something... bitter.  
Before Kanda could speak, Allen sobbed out piteously into the night, "Please hold me..."

_And I'd give up forever to touch you  
'cause I know that you feel me somehow.  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
and I don't want to go home right now._

There was silence.  
Kanda held Allen. He held Allen for about six and a half minutes, before speaking.  
"Why?"  
Allen snuggled his head into the space of Kanda's neck, and Kanda laid his chin on the boy's scalp. They stayed like that for a few moments. Kanda felt warm, but there was something else too. Like he fit here, he belonged here. Allen's voice was hoarse.  
"Why what?"  
Kanda removed his chin from the comfortable position. He moved his head far enough back to look at Allen's arm.  
Allen pulled his arm back. "Don't look at me."  
Kanda blinked, and reached out for the arm again stubbornly. Allen collapsed against him, and repeated, "Don't look at me. Just... hold me..."  
Kanda held Allen for several more moments.  
Eventually, Allen leant back, and lay down on the grass. He lay down perpendicular to Kanda, and shut his eyes. Kanda took this as an invitation to check his wounds. He looked the boy's injuries over.  
There were several small scrape marks on both wrists. Kanda couldn't help but notice that the cursed arm was cut far more. He reached forward to pick it up.  
Allen pulled away. "Don't look at that, either."  
Kanda glared at him. "I intend to."  
Allen rolled over on his side. "Kanda-san, don't!"  
Kanda replied, "I will," and rolled him onto his back again.  
Allen pulled away from Kanda, and Kanda pulled him back again. It became like a sort of game; a twisted, deranged game in which Allen tried to get away from his companion so that Kanda couldn't heal his self-inflicted wounds.  
They scuffled silently for a few more minutes. Eventually, Kanda got on top of Allen, and pinned him to the ground.  
Allen looked up at him, looked into his eyes. "Kan...da..."  
Kanda stayed there, frozen in place, temporarily paralyzed by the boy's face.  
_  
And all I can taste is this moment,  
and all I can breathe is your life,  
and sooner or later it's over.  
I just don't want to miss you tonight._

Kanda said slowly, "Moyashi, why have you been cutting yourself? If you tell me, I promise not to tell anyone else. I promise. We can write your wounds down as from an Akuma. But you have to tell me why. Why you're cutting yourself, why it's been three hours, and why you feel so depressed."  
Allen sniffled like a little kid with a cold on his birthday. "Fine."  
Kanda got off him, and grabbed his right arm to stop him from running away. "Okay, now..."  
Allen said, "I just... Kanda... This world is full of pain..."  
Kanda felt a shiver run down his back. The words seemed to ring a bell somewhere in an abandoned old church of his memory. Hadn't Allen sang exactly the same words while he was controlling the Ark with the aid of the Fourteenth or something? So was this the Fourteenth hurting Allen, or was it merely Allen hurting himself?  
Kanda said only, "Continue."  
Allen shuddered, and said in a quiet, melancholy voice, "Kanda, I don't think I can do this anymore. Be an Exorcist, I mean. It's hard enough to just fight Akuma and Noah and save humanity, but everyone treats me like a freak. I have no friends."  
Kanda murmured, "What about all of us, baka moyashi?"

Allen sighed. "I mean true friends."  
"Lenalee? Lavi? Bak? Krory? Miranda? Komui? Aren't they all your friends?"  
"Yes..." replied the forlorn boy.  
Kanda said, "Well, then?"  
"I'm also being possessed by the Fourteenth. Any second, I could perish and the evil spirit in my body could kill us all."  
Kanda felt like a psychologist. "Yes, but that's always been a fact. Why are you cutting yourself now?"  
"I just found out that the one I love... doesn't return the feeling."  
Kanda che-ed, and sweatdropped. "THAT WAS ALL?"  
Allen looked up at him. "What?"  
"That was why you were slitting your fucking wrists? Because you thought- Aa, you fucking complete baka! Of course they like you back!"  
Allen looked up at him. "They do?"  
Kanda said, "Yes, how could Lenalee not like you back?"  
There was a poignantly awkward silence.  
Kanda saw a tear fall down Allen's cheek. "Kanda, I think you're the idiot here."

_And I don't want the world to see me  
'cause I don't think that they'd understand.  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am._

Kanda said bewilderedly, "But why would you cut yourself over such a trivial thing?"  
Allen replied, "It didn't start today."  
Kanda's eyes widened. There was peaceful silence for a moment.  
"How many secrets do you fucking have, beansprout?"  
Allen smiled. It wasn't the cheerful, happy, la-dee-fucking-dah, everyday smile that Kanda had come to expect from the boy. The edges of his mouth curled, forming a cynical, sarcastic smirk. There was something behind it that shouldn't have been there, a bad intention, or a demonic feeling. Or maybe a demon.  
"More than anyone knows."  
Kanda reached out, and tried to pat Allen's shoulder consolingly, unsure of what else to do. "But even secrets shouldn't make you cause yourself pain."  
Allen shrugged, and heaved a sigh out. "I'm sorry, Kanda."  
"Don't fucking apologize so much! That was probably why you were slitting yourself, right? Martyr complex? You say 'sorry' too much."  
Allen smiled again, the masochistic, sad smile. "Sorry."  
Kanda che-ed, and stood up. "Just don't do... that ever again. C'mon, camp's all ready."  
Allen smiled up at him, and it was a normal optimistic Beansprout smile. Kanda turned around, and started walking back. He heard a quiet 'chink' behind him, and whipped around.  
Allen was standing up, with a hand in his pocket. He ran up to Kanda. "Sorry, I got distracted-"  
Kanda ignored his apology, and reached into the boy's pocket. Inside Allen's sweaty palm was the bloody switch blade, sheathed but still terrifying.  
Kanda looked at Allen again, and the boy cried out and tried to run away.  
Kanda caught him, and grabbed his shoulders.

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
or the moment of truth in your life.  
When everything feels like the movies;_

"Kanda, give it-"  
"You've got to be fucking kidding me, right Moyashi? This is ridiculous. What are you trying to do?"  
Allen shrugged sadly. "I just want the pain."  
"What?"  
"I need to feel the pain, Kanda. It's all I've got left. All that loves me. The pain loves me, because nothing else does, Kanda. See?"  
Yuu felt like vomiting as another drop of scarlet fluid dripped from Allen's wrist.

_Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive!_

Kanda wrapped his arms around Allen. "Lenalee loves you."  
Allen replied with an unexpected amount of scorn and sarcasm in his voice, "I don't want Lenalee to love me."  
Kanda said bewilderedly, "Then who...?"  
Allen's left arm continued to cry out dark tears into the night.  
"I want you to love me, Kanda."

_And I don't want the world to see me  
'cause I don't think that they'd understand.  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am._

They stayed like that for several moments, until the wind blew through Kanda's hair and he shivered and Allen pulled away and stepped back and ran away and Kanda stared at him and didn't move and said "Moyashi" quietly and slowly began to understand everything and raced after Allen.  
Allen continued to flee Kanda. Kanda yelled, "FUCKING MOYASHI, GET BACK HERE!"  
A terrified squeak came out from the prey. "My name is Allen!"  
Kanda sighed, and slowed. "Allen, come back here!"  
Allen stopped still. He didn't move an inch. He didn't even respond as Kanda drew the younger teen into a tight embrace.  
"You said my name."  
"Did I, Baka Moyashi?"  
A tiny smile graced Allen's lips, but there was not a hint of cynicism in it.  
"You did."  
Kanda sighed. "Why me, old man? You could've had anyone."  
Allen shrugged. "I didn't want anyone, I wanted Yuu."  
Kanda noticed the slight inflection that changed the pronoun into his first name, and smirked. "Want-ed? Meaning you don't want me?"  
Allen said, "No, I want you. I really want you. I just... not right now..."  
There was an uncomfortably long pause.  
"...not while I'm like this..."  
_  
And I don't want the world to see me  
'cause I don't think that they'd understand.  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am.  
_  
Kanda 'tch'ed. "There's nothing wrong with you, baka. You're fucking perfect."  
Allen's eyes darkened. "I'm not perfect."  
Kanda shrugged. "Nobody is, really. But you don't have to be. You're perfect for me."  
He pulled Allen into a quick, warm, sincere kiss.  
_  
And I don't want the world to see me  
'cause I don't think that they'd understand.  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am._

Kanda slipped an arm around Allen's waist. "Don't you ever cut yourself again, or I'll leave you."  
Allen looked up at him. "You-You will?"  
Kanda laughed hoarsely. "Fuck no! It was a joke, beansprout! I'll never leave you!"

Allen smiled. His smiles were becoming less and less evil and more and more honest. Kanda found that he could smile back. It was easy to smile at a virtuous angel like Allen.  
Kanda murmured softly, unintentionally and sub-consciously, "You're my angel."  
Allen 'pfft'ed. "I'm no angel."  
Kanda shook his head. "You're my angel."

_I just want you to know who I am._

"Angels are pure," clashed Allen.  
Kanda shook his head again. "No. An angel is a spiritual being. You're a spiritual being. An angel is a messenger of God. You're a messenger of God. An angel is a saviour."  
He captured Allen's lips with a kiss, leaving this one to linger a while before fading into the twilight.  
_  
I just want you to know who I am._

"Well, I guess under that definition, you're an angel too."  
Kanda replied, "Huh?"  
"You're spiritual. You're fighting for God. And you saved me..."  
Kanda che-ed. "From who?"  
Allen thought about it, and then said, "Pain... loneliness... and... myself..."  
Kanda hugged him. "My Moyashi."  
Allen said back, his voice muffled into Kanda's shirt, "My Kanda."  
The couple began to make their way back to camp together.

_I just want you to know who I am..._

**Owari~**

Gaarin: Did you liek?  
Mizuhara: ;A; OMG. Gaarin, this is actually mediocrely o-okay... Holy shi-  
Gaarin: Holy whistling sink, un.  
Mizuhara: ...wut?  
Gaarin: Inside joke (Thanks, Otto-chan!)  
Mizuhara: ... So anyvai. Where were the references from?  
Gaarin: I had one reference, to the Fourteenth's melody line. Sorry! Couldn't help it!  
Mizuhara: ... Whatever. Hey'all, btw, check out our commie!  
Gaarin: Yeah, it's a Yullen paradise! VOTE FOR ME! If you liked it, rnr, please!


End file.
